"Get over it"

Grief is a universal part of our human condition. Grief is also a very personal journey that most of us walk through, and with, at some point in our lives. Since the terrorist attacks on Ft Hood on November 5th last year, a whole new group has been forced to grapple with the most intense grief that follows the unexpected, violent loss of a loved one. The road is so hard, and the roller coaster ride of grief is unavoidable, no matter how much any of us may wish it so. The impact of unimaginable loss plays no favourites, as the stricken confront each day following such shocking events.

Leila is JD's sister, and another eloquent voice raised amidst the most unwelcome of lessons none of us would ever willingly volunteer for. There is no right or wrong way to live with grief, ever. Leila writes with such clarity from the very early stages of her own grief. She shares:

Get Over It

Twelve weeks. That is what "survivors" are told is the amount of time that we should "get over it." I heard this in my grief support group and I keep hearing it from other survivors who have it told to them. All of us laugh at this. I don't think 12 years is enough time to "get over" losing someone you love, let alone 12 weeks. I haven't even had enough time to get over my leftover Halloween candy in 12 weeks. I am just learning so much about the difference in hearing about someone mourning a loved one and actually experiencing it. I'll just tell you, 12 weeks is ridiculous, so let's just "get over" that idea.

I received a great email from a friend, JJ, that I have reconnected with. She was telling me about her friend who lost her mother 2 years ago, and recently blogged about this same subject. To quote her, "And I am so weary of seeing others, and myself treated like we need to be institutionalized because we are actually handling the hard things that life has thrown our way." She has quite a point. I have found so many people want to reach out and comfort me or my family, and are honestly scared to death. I can't blame them for that. But more aggrivating are the "get over it" looks or comments. I will never let go of my brother's memory. Ever.

If you're reading this, you're probably aware of the JD bumper stickers all over my car, the necklace of his face that rests on my heart every day, the hand painted portrait of his face that I am staring at just above my computer as I type this, the countless Army shirts I have that I wear every day, and if that's not enough - I have a button that goes with everything. I don't display my grief merely for attention. I chose to do these things because I want to give people permission to ask why I'm crying. I want to make it okay to ask "Who's that on your shirt?" Not because I want to play the victim, but I'll say it again: I DON'T WANT YOU TO FORGET ABOUT JD HUNT! And if I am crying for MY loss, then I don't want to be pitied, but rather just ask for permission to do so without judgment. Sometimes I don't really even want you to comfort me - just have compassion for my pain and do something to honor my brother - remember him. Mostly, I just want to make it okay for you to ask, because so many people think they can't or shouldn't. YOU SHOULD....

There is no right or wrong way to live with grief, ever. I seriously doubt any of us ever 'get[s] over it.' Not one of us ever needs 'permission' to feel what we feel. Period. Yes, I choose to deliberately emphasise that because it is important. Leila writes with such honesty as she shares her own healing, her own unique gaping wound. There is more here, and this IS a must read.