"Get over it"

Grief is a universal part of our human condition. Grief is also a very personal journey that most of us walk through, and with, at some point in our lives. Since the terrorist attacks on Ft Hood on November 5th last year, a whole new group has been forced to grapple with the most intense grief that follows the unexpected, violent loss of a loved one. The road is so hard, and the roller coaster ride of grief is unavoidable, no matter how much any of us may wish it so. The impact of unimaginable loss plays no favourites, as the stricken confront each day following such shocking events.

Leila is JD's sister, and another eloquent voice raised amidst the most unwelcome of lessons none of us would ever willingly volunteer for. There is no right or wrong way to live with grief, ever. Leila writes with such clarity from the very early stages of her own grief. She shares:

Get Over It

Twelve weeks. That is what "survivors" are told is the amount of time that we should "get over it." I heard this in my grief support group and I keep hearing it from other survivors who have it told to them. All of us laugh at this. I don't think 12 years is enough time to "get over" losing someone you love, let alone 12 weeks. I haven't even had enough time to get over my leftover Halloween candy in 12 weeks. I am just learning so much about the difference in hearing about someone mourning a loved one and actually experiencing it. I'll just tell you, 12 weeks is ridiculous, so let's just "get over" that idea.

I received a great email from a friend, JJ, that I have reconnected with. She was telling me about her friend who lost her mother 2 years ago, and recently blogged about this same subject. To quote her, "And I am so weary of seeing others, and myself treated like we need to be institutionalized because we are actually handling the hard things that life has thrown our way." She has quite a point. I have found so many people want to reach out and comfort me or my family, and are honestly scared to death. I can't blame them for that. But more aggrivating are the "get over it" looks or comments. I will never let go of my brother's memory. Ever.

If you're reading this, you're probably aware of the JD bumper stickers all over my car, the necklace of his face that rests on my heart every day, the hand painted portrait of his face that I am staring at just above my computer as I type this, the countless Army shirts I have that I wear every day, and if that's not enough - I have a button that goes with everything. I don't display my grief merely for attention. I chose to do these things because I want to give people permission to ask why I'm crying. I want to make it okay to ask "Who's that on your shirt?" Not because I want to play the victim, but I'll say it again: I DON'T WANT YOU TO FORGET ABOUT JD HUNT! And if I am crying for MY loss, then I don't want to be pitied, but rather just ask for permission to do so without judgment. Sometimes I don't really even want you to comfort me - just have compassion for my pain and do something to honor my brother - remember him. Mostly, I just want to make it okay for you to ask, because so many people think they can't or shouldn't. YOU SHOULD....

There is no right or wrong way to live with grief, ever. I seriously doubt any of us ever 'get[s] over it.' Not one of us ever needs 'permission' to feel what we feel. Period. Yes, I choose to deliberately emphasise that because it is important. Leila writes with such honesty as she shares her own healing, her own unique gaping wound. There is more here, and this IS a must read.

Leila's Heart

You may recognise the young man in the picture above. His name is Jason Dean Hunt - JD to those who love him. The rest of us became painfully aware of JD in November 2009, when he was one of those murdered by a muslim madman in Ft. Hood.

I first introduced you to JD when I posted a short profile of him on November 10th:

As a boy, Jason Hunt once had to wear silver caps on his front teeth. When he was too timid to smile, his sister, playing on his love for video games, asked him to show his Ninja Turtle teeth.

"He was so embarrassed and such a shy boy," recalled his sister Leila Willingham, 30, of Frederick, Okla. "That was the only way I could make him smile." In high school, Hunt refused to dissect a cat for a class assignment. He was so upset that his mother had to pick him up from school.

But Hunt's shy and sensitive side was transformed, his family said, when he joined the military. His already caring nature bloomed into something brave, selfless and fearless, they said. He hoped to save somebody's life someday.[...]

Willingham recalled her brother once likened his feelings for his military family to the love a parent feels for their children.

"He said, 'I would die for your children.' He said, 'I would die for a stranger to save them.' And he said he would dive in front of a bullet for a soldier."...(read more here)

That is sister Leila in the top picture with her precious brother JD. I wrote about Leila as I included her and JD's family in my most recent year-end Heroes of the Year post:

His sister is now writing her own blog. In her first post, she writes:

Saturday, December 12, 2009

An introduction

You may know about me. I'm a mom of 2 bright lights. A wife. A sister. A child of God. After my sweet (and only) brother was killed at Fort Hood on November 5, 2009, I sit here, feeling compelled to write about him.

My baby brother, Jason. JD is what I call him. But for the purpose of this blog, I am writing for "J." Sometimes I will be writing about my brother. Sometimes I will be writing to him. Sometimes I will be writing to and about the other "J" in my life - the most important. My savior, best friend and Comforter - Jesus.

This blog is not to creep people out or to attract any negativity. Just to heal. To grow. To listen to my Lord and find comfort in the darkest hour or joy in the brightest, and share it.

Thanks for visiting.

Yours and His,
~Leila

Leila has written a few great columns about her brother, and her own journey of healing. Go check it out here.

Leila's heart is writ large on her site, for all to see, as she shares her journey in her new life without her much loved JD by her side.

Her latest column traces her steps as she and her family return to Ft. Hood:

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Journey back to Ft. Hood

Well, here goes. I've been saying it is taking everything I have to write about my trip to Ft. Hood on Friday. It is the strangest thing, because I cannot even find the written words to express what happened on my journey. I feel like I owe it to those precious people who support me though, to at least share what I am able to for now. Nothing is specifically "off limits" to talk about with this particular trip. I am just having a hard time expressing everything that is changing inside of me since the journey on Friday. It is very bizarre for me to be at a loss for words. I'm just not sure why this particular trip is so hard to write about.

On a side note, some heartbreaking events have unfolded today that make me have the desire to write about SOMETHING. And since I can't (won't - as it is unproductive and dishonoring to JD) write about this ugly day, I will at least share, somewhat superficially, my journey on Friday. Please know that if you go on this journey of the deepest kind of grief, you will be faced with ugly days like this. And the sun will come out the next day. All I can say is to really know who you are and do your best to stay true to that. You will fail sometimes, and that's okay. Some very brilliant people tell me that, anyway. I'm still trying to find my way through the heartbreak of losing a love deeper than words can demonstrate.

The trip started in the car, with every mile reminding me of the last time I went to Ft. Hood - November. The car ride was even emotionally exhausting. When I arrived in Killeen I went directly to the meeting for the Ft. Hood Memorial Garden. I am excited and honored to be a part of it, and I will work tirelessly to help ensure that it is funded and representative of the 13 families who will never see their loved one again because of November 5th. I am so honored that they let me speak and share my brother's story, as well as some from others affected by 11/5.

Here is a picture of the proposed memorial garden. The meeting included talks about what kind of stone paths to use, benches, gazebo, etc. I think they are going to make a "wish list" so that certain people or organizations or churches can pledge to do a portion. For example, a church could say they want to raise money for the gazebo. Click here to donate to this incredible project. It is something that will mean a great deal to me and I'm sure the other families who lost their loved ones that day. To have a living thing that will be on earth forever, representing the 13 victims. And one dwarf tree for the sweet unborn baby. I think this model shows the 13 proposed trees surrounding the gazebo.


Then I went to the Soldier Readiness Center. This one is the most difficult to talk about. I probably cannot write much about it. ...

Leila ends this column with:

On the way home, I saw the beautiful sunset I wrote about previously. Staring out the window at the reflection of heaven in the mirror, "objects in the mirror are closer than they appear" had a whole new meaning to me.

Leila writes about this day, through her words from her heart, and we bear witness to legacy of these heroes of Ft Hood.

As my regular readers know, I have been priviledged to share here the words and the insights of more than a few of our fallen heroes' families. It is through the grace and courage of the families, that we get to share a small part of the amazing heroes who choose to serve a cause greater than themselves. It is because of these families that the legacy of love which exemplifies the heroes that walked among us, that we are honoured to see the heroism of the families. Sisters like Leila honour their loved ones, and open their hearts to all of us.

Leila is a hero to me, every bit as much as JD. Please go read the rest of her latest column here. I promise you, you will come away the richer for the time spent, as she shares her visit to Ft. Hood.

I have added Leila's site to my blogroll. (J). I suggest that you bookmark her site for yourself, and check back often. I plan to make her site a regular reading stop as she writes "Just to heal. To grow."

Thank YOU, Leila, for YOUR service. Thank you.